Heartless

I have become heartless, I used to have this big heart but I saw the way he treated me after the break up and I started to feel numb. Everyone around me can tell there is something wrong but I dont speak a single word. “I am fine, stop asking.” I tell everyone. I dont want to tell people because I wouldn’t know where to start, the beginning when I fell in love and how I hold on to that or the end where he kicked me to the curb and I still could not comprehend why this was happening. Regardless I keep to myself, I’ll admit it after the break up I got a couple of admirers, it’s nice but I just dont care for them, I can’t. How could I when the only time I feel is with him. I am fucked up right now and I can tell. These admirers would literally do anything for me and I don’t even worry about them or their day, I kinda treat them the way he made me feel when we broke up, It is so upsetting for them and I just sit there so un phased at the fact they are giving me so much love and honestly handing their heart over to me but I cant receive it, I just leave it next to the trash along with the rest of the hearts I pick up and drop off every day for my own enjoyment. I tell myself I want to be humble and end hurting them but when I do they are so attached, text me constantly, try and pick me up, worry about me, ask about my day, ask to facetime but I simply can not right now. They don’t understand I don’t want that with them because it will replace my memory with him. I’m not lonely because I’m alone. Only time I could really show my feelings or talk normally is with him, no body knows that but it is the only place I feel safe even just as friends. It is kind of comforting knowing I don’t feel anything, I don’t want him back I just miss him and I don’t want anyone I just entertain them, they hear what they want to hear.  I should feel bad but it just does not affect me, I have become heartless and I sort of like it.